Interviewer: Everyone asks you that same question don’t they?

(laughs)

Every. Single. Time.

Interviewer: So..how did you become an escort?

Honestly after all these years I still pause to answer that question, I think people expect this big, dramatic movie moment.

Where I woke up one day, lightening struck and boom! Escort.

It wasn’t exactly one moment or one decision. It was a lot of different things, small little sprinklings, quiet nudging’s guiding me into a direction I never would have thought id be going.

Interviewer: So tell me then, what would have been the biggest reason?

Money,

(laughs)

Wouldn’t that be the obvious choice? I was twenty one, working in hospitality, surviving on café wages. …. come to think of it, it wasn’t that bad all those years ago. I did have it pretty good, at the time though I was permanently exhausted. Bills kept arriving, my bank account never looked impressed and I was dealing with pretty heavy depression.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else out there.

Interviewer: What was happening in your life at the time?

Not long before I moved out of the city, I fell pregnant and had to have a termination.

At the time I could never find the words to express how deeply it effected me.

It was one of those moments where it started to settle in over time.

My relationship fell apart not long after the termination and instead of slowing down to grieve and heal..

I worked. Harder. Longer.

I would do anything I possibly could to keep busy. I picked up a bartending gig which meant I would work a 6am café shift and then straight to a bartending job until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Interviewer: wow, that must have been hard on you.

Yeah, I realised that I wasn’t actually running towards anything.

I was just... running.

Running was the only way I knew how to deal with anything.

I quit my job, packed my life up into boxes and moved away.

Looking back I am really proud of myself, it felt like pressing one giant reset button.

Interviewer: Did you already know you wanted to work in the sex industry?

No, no not at all.

I picked up another café job while I tried to figure out what I wanted.

There was actually a tiny phase where I thought stripping would be fun.

I blame Hollywood!

I’ve watched way too many glamorous movies, I romanticise absolutely everything.

I really convinced myself id become this mysterious woman in six-inch heels living her best life, then the reality kicked in. I didn’t want to work nights; bartending destroyed my sleep schedule which in turn wasn’t much help for my mental health.

That idea quickly left my imagination.

Interviewer: But sex work kept finding its way back into your thoughts?

Oh yeah constantly,

I’ve always been ridiculously curious about sex, not in a scandalous way.

I was just genuinely fascinated. I consumed every piece of media that I could get my hands on, documentaries, tv series, every overly glamorized movie.

I also had friends working in the sex industry and what stood out to me wasn’t the work itself but the community of woman. I have always felt like the black sheep, someone who doesn’t fit into any particular category or friend group but among these women I felt so connected.

Interviewer: Have you always been open about your sexuality?

Well yes and no.

(She adjusts herself on the chair and pauses before answering)

I have always been around people who were open about it but personally,

I didn’t have a great relationship with sex until I started escorting. That’s when I would say I felt safe enough being open about my sexuality. People ask me if I'm heterosexual, bi sexual or pansexual…

Id say I'm just sexual..

( laughs)

In my early twenties I would have said I was sex positive but now that I am in my thirties I would just say..

..I am endlessly curious.

Interviewer: Is that the curiosity which led you to Seeking Arrangement?

(laughs)

Oh God...

Seeking arrangement.

Yes.

Just saying it makes me cringe.

(She hesitates for a moment)

Why does society happily celebrate the idea of having a sugar daddy, in fact we are groomed to marry for wealth but the moment someone utters the word sex worker suddenly pearls are being clutched.

If you strip away the layers, there is always a transition taking place, its still sex work.

Interviewer: How so?

Well..

Someone is paying for your attention, sometimes your time, sometimes intimacy.

Money and relationships have been intwined throughout history.

Interviewer: It has, so, you made the profile?

Well ..unfortunately yes.

I went on a few dates and honestly they just felt like tinder dates.

Except the men where older and the wine was better.

Interviewer: Then something changed?

I met one gentleman who wasn’t looking for ongoing companionship.

He was upfront about the transaction.

I remember thinking...

“So lets just get this straight, a one night stand .. and I get paid?”

(laughs)

Looking back now...

Bless her.

She thought she’d hit the jackpot.

Interviewer: What do you remember most about that night?

Surprisingly just how normal it felt, we laughed, we danced, we had sex. It actually felt quite lovely until the evening ended and I was starting to actually take things in , while he walked me down the hallway I noticed on the elegant maroon walls there were pictures.

Pictures of his wife, his kids , I subtly glanced at his hand and sure enough there was a wedding ring .

Suddenly the night didn’t feel so lovely.

Interviewer: what did you do?

Well before I had time to even take it in, he had thrust a heavy envelope in my hands and I was getting in the cab..

Besides when I opened that envelope all I saw was that gorgeous wad of cash and suddenly I didn’t care anymore, the night just faded into a blur.

Interviewer: Was that the moment you became an escort?

Technically? Yes.

Subjectively? No.

That night you could say I became an escort but really, it was just the night that I realised this world actually exists. Like the films I was drawn too, except it wasn’t fiction. It was real.

(laughs)

I became utterly obsessed.

I disappeared into any rabbit hole that I could find. I must have researched the entire internet, trying to figure out where to work.

I poured over every website, every review, every photo. I was quietly building a checklist.

One of my non negotiables? The establishment had to be owned and run by women.

Interviewer: Is that when you found Mary?

Exactly that,

Honestly her website alone was everything I was looking for.

(laughs)

I absolutely judge a book by its cover.

She ticked every single box.

And then.. came the email.

(She rubs her temples and rolls her eyes)

Interviewer: The Email?

Well.. I actually had to apply for the job.

God, even thinking about it now makes me cringe.

It was so unbelievably polite. So earnest. So painfully twenty-two.

I remember that night so vividly.

I’d poured a myself a heavy glass of wine and had my hand wrapped tightly around a pack of Marlboros.

I must’ve have read, re-edited and re-read that email another twenty times.

Eventually I lit another cigarette, finished a mouthful of wine, took a deep breath..

…and hit send.

Interviewer: So..did she reply?

(She smiles)

For the first time in almost a decade, I wasn’t running from one thing to the next. I wasn’t working. I wasn’t distracted. I just had time, time to think, to grieve, to feel everything I’d spent years pushing down.

I fell into a depressive state. Every day blurred into the next as I searched for jobs, wondering what I actually wanted to do with my life. I had spent so many years knowing exactly who I needed to be for everyone else that when all of it disappeared, I realised I had no idea who I was beneath it all.

I grieved the industry more than I ever expected to. There were so many moments where I wanted to give up and go back. It would’ve been easier. It was familiar. It was all I’d known for a very long time.

Starting over in my thirties felt terrifying.

At the same time, I had just started a high dose of medication. Looking back, I’m grateful I wasn’t working while my body adjusted. I was grieving one version of my life while my brain chemistry was changing, I felt like I was living inside someone else’s body.

The year before, I’d graduated with my diploma in Art and Design studying SFX makeup and prosthetics. But even then I found myself asking, Do I actually want to do this? Or had I simply become good at another performance?

Whatever the answer was, looking back I’m incredibly grateful to that classroom, it was the first step into my new chapter. It was what I needed to re light that creative spark. It was my first big step towards alignment.

Who was I, beneath the surface?

I was method acting my way through my 20s. I became whatever version of myself I thought people wanted. I wore different masks, constantly mirroring the people around me.

My entire identity had been built around the male gaze. I looked a certain way because I craved that validation. Even in relationships, I wasn’t ever myself. I was always playing a role, shapeshifting into their idea of me. Constantly anticipating other people’s needs while abandoning my own.

It felt like I had to meet the little girl inside me for the very first time.

The shedding began slowly.

The first thing I did was cut my hair.

Why is it when you have a breakthrough the first thing that changes is the hair. Hair is so personal, so intimate, it holds memories.

Mandy & Kylie, my longest alters. My masks. My safety. They had long black hair, feminine. It made me feel feminine. I only ever identified femininity with my hair, it had to be long because that’s what the men wanted. It had become such a huge part of my identity just as much as the woman I’d created. Cutting it off felt terrifying but also so freeing.

I slowly stripped away the dark colour I’d hidden behind for years until, eventually, I became blonde again. It wasn’t just about changing my appearance but it felt symbolic.

The hair extensions came out. I wanted to focus on my hair health.

The nails became shorter. I wanted my natural nails to become strong.

The lashes disappeared. I wanted to grow my own.

The version of me I’d spent years carefully constructing slowly dissolved.

For the first time in a long time, I wanted to look like myself. I started seeing little me in the mirror, I was evolving.

As the outside changed, so did the inside.

I found myself drawn back to nature. I started slowing down. Spending endless hours in the garden, building it from scratch. I was giving back to the earth, to Mother Nature. Talking to the trees, the bees and the flowers. Going for walks everyday. Sitting in silence. Finding beauty in tiny moments that my old life would’ve rushed straight past.

Nature became therapy,

It reminded me so much of who I was as a little girl.

Curious.

Creative.

Always looking for magic.

For years I’d used alcohol to quiet everything down. It became another mask. Another escape. Another way to avoid sitting alone with myself.

Sobriety forced me to sit. Still, quiet and clear it all out. Unlearn survival tactics, unlearn negative self talk, regulate my nervous system. All the work had to come from within. It is difficult to re train your brain and sometimes it hurts but the pay off is beyond worth it.

Sobriety asked me to sit with every uncomfortable thought, every uncomfortable feeling, I had to face those dark clouds that i’d spent years trying to outrun.

And although it was painful, it was agonising and exhausting it was also the beginning of finally meeting myself.

Looking back now, I know I wasn’t falling apart.

I was only shedding.

Like a snake outgrowing its old skin, the process wasn’t graceful. It was uncomfortable. It was lonely. Sometimes I questioned whether I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

But old skin is never meant to be carried forever.

Sometimes losing yourself and shedding is the only way you’ll ever find the person you were always supposed to become.

I can’t quite believe where I am right now. It all feels like such a dream.

I want to start off this series of articles by saying Thank you.

To my family & my dearest friends, thank you for your unwavering love, trust & support. Even when life has been messy or uncertain, when I've been up & down. You’ve been the steady ground beneath my feet.

To my darling Finn, thank you for loving me exactly as I am.

Most importantly , To all the girls I once was - thank you.

Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for keeping me strong. Thank you for teaching me, protecting me and guiding me through the hardest seasons of my life.

I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without you.

After nearly a decade, I made the transition away from sex work. I hung up my heels and traded them for slippers.

That industry gave me some of the most incredible women I’ve ever known. The beautiful, intelligent, resilient women who became my family. It gave me unforgettable memories: the parties, the extravagant gifts, hilarious clients, overseas adventures, the conversations, the laughter, the freedom… and yes, the money.

I grew up in that world.

It shaped me in ways I could never fully explain and I’ll always be grateful for everything it gave me. As I sit here writing this now, I feel surprisingly emotional. This is far more therapeutic than I expected.

Leaving the industry wasn’t an easy decision.

But I fell in love and somewhere along the way, I became a hopeless romantic.

It wasn’t because my partner asked me to leave, quite the opposite. From the very beginning he supported me without judgement or expectation.

This decision was mine.

For the past few years, I’ve been on a quiet journey back to myself. Healing my inner child. Learning who I am beneath survival mode. Becoming more connected to my intuition, my higher self and finding a sense of peace I didn’t know was possible.

I’d thought about leaving before.

There were moments of burnout when I’d step away for a while only to realise I just needed to rest before returning. I never truly wanted to leave. It was my safe place.

It was familiar. It was home.

But something slowly began to shift.

The more I healed, the less I recognised the masks I’d spent years wearing.

For so long they protected me.

But as I healed, I realised I no longer needed them in the same way.

I fell deeply, madly in love and I truly believe Finn came into my life at exactly the right time because as each mask gently began to fall away, he was there, quietly holding my hand through it all. By loving me so gently it enabled me to re learn love. Love isn’t pain, love isn’t hard, love is easy. And by learning this, being surrounded by so much of that love, I began to fall in love with myself.

For the first time in a very long time, I wasn’t living in survival mode.

My shields slowly came down.

The more I aligned with my higher self the harder my work became.

Not because I suddenly hated it but because I couldn’t shift into my alter ego anymore. It was getting harder and harder to be someone else. Eventually, I started forgetting who that someone else was.

The line between me and my work became blurrier and that frightened me.

I realised I was tired.

Tired of always protecting myself. Tired of standing so firmly in my masculine energy just to survive.

Slowly, I found myself softening again.

Becoming more feminine.

Allowing myself to receive to be gentle. My darling had become that steady masculine presence I’d spent years creating for myself.

I packed up my locker, donated all my lingerie and said my goodbyes.

For the first time in nearly ten years I was ready. Ready to face the next chapter,

Strong, protected and at peace.

Everything I write here comes from my own lived experience. My relationship with sex work was deeply personal and these reflections belong only to me. These are not a judgement of anyone else’s paths or choices. This is simply a story of how I've been finding the way back to myself .

❤︎⁠

With Love & Snugs,

I’ve always struggled to introduce myself. That familiar imposter syndrome still haunts me, occasionally.

I’m Feebs,

A writer, a storyteller, a lover of all things weird and wonderful.

I’ve lived a beautifully strange & colourful life.

A life so full of laughter, freedom, creativity, extraordinary people, an abundance of life paths and a lot of heart break.

For years I stopped writing, the demons that I was running from finally caught up with me.

I lost myself, I was struggling to find a sense of identity, I wanted to be someone else.

I wanted to be effortless,

To feel clean.

To feel soft.

To feel feminine.

It wasn’t until I was about to turn thirty I started the journey back to myself.

I’ve spent my 30s healing, unlearning, being kind to my inner child letting her be silly, play, learn, create.

I’ve finally become brave enough to love myself exactly as I am.

Now I am here, on this cosy corner of the internet and,

I am going to write again.

Sometimes I'll write about love, loss, spirituality, philosophy, sometimes mental health or my time as an escort. It’ll be a roller-coaster for sure.

Thank you for coming on this journey with me, I am really happy you’re here.

Get cosy and enjoy the ride!

Lots of love,

Your friend, Phoebe Lee xx